Ok, this is getting long, so I'm adding more pages, just look for links (number of page) at the top and bottom of each joke page


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(This first really isn't a saying, but it's just so *relevant*)

How To Tell If You Spend Too Much Time Surfing The Net

  • 1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.
  • 2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud.
  • 3. You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile.
  • 4. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.
  • 5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".
  • 6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
  • 7. You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.
  • 8. When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you.
  • 9. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.
  • 10. Your spouse now complains of you moving your fingers in your sleep instead of talking.
  • 11. Your kids are eating cereal morning, noon, and night.
  • 12. When someone says, "What did you say?" you reply, "Scroll up!"
  • 13. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
  • 14. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.
  • 15. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouse's.
  • 16. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
  • 17. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.
  • 18. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).
  • 19. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.
  • 20. You go into labor and you stop to type a special E-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling.
  • 21. You have a map on the wall w/ LOTS of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met.
  • 22. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.
  • 23. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.
  • 24. You get up at 2 am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.
  • 25. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
  • 26. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.
  • 27. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".
  • 28. You type faster than you think.
  • 29. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.
  • 30. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"
  • 31. You double click your TV remote.
  • 32. You can now type over 70 wpm.
  • 33. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

    Kids' Quotes
  • The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
  • A bird in hand is a real mess.
  • You have nothing to fear but homework.
  • If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
  • A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
  • To err is human, to eat a muskrat is not.
  • Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
  • Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and someone yells, "Shut up!"

    • The Giant List Of Deep Thoughts
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
  • If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
  • Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
  • If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
  • Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
  • Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
  • Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  • If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  • And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?
  • If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?
  • 9. Is there another word for synonym?
  • Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  • Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
  • What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued do they garnish his wages?
  • Would a wingless fly be called a walk?
  • Is a shelless turtle homeless or just naked?
  • Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
  • Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
  • Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
  • Why is abbreviated such a long word?
  • Why does monosyllabic have five syllables?
  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  • Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  • Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?
  • Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  • Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
  • Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
  • Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  • Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  • Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  • Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
  • Why is it when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
  • If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  • If price and worth mean the same thing, why priceless and worthless are opposites?
  • If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
  • If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  • If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
  • You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

    • Suppose Edgar Allen Poe Had Used a Computer...
    Once upon a midnight dreary,
    Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    Systems manuals piled high and
    Wasted paper on the floor.

    Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
    Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets,
    Having reached the bottom line,
    I took a floppy from the drawer.

    Typing with a steady hand,
    I then invoked the SAVE command,
    And waited for the disk to store,
    Only this and nothing more.

    Deep into the monitor peering,
    long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
    Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
    Turning yet to churn some more.

    "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother!
    Save my data from before!"
    One thing did the phosphors answer,
    Only this and nothing more,
    Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

    Was this some occult illusion?
    Some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices undesired,
    One's I'd never faced before.

    Carefully, I weighed the choices
    As the disk made impish noises.
    The cursor flashed, insistent,waiting,
    Baiting me to type some more.

    Clearly I must press a key,
    Choosing one and nothing more.


    The First Recorded Virus Warning
    FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
    TO: Trojan Army Listserv <Trojans-L@troy.org>
    RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

    Hey Hector,

    This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

    Thanks,
    Laocoon

    * * *

    WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

    IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!

    The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.

    FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

    Poseidon

    * * *

    FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
    TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
    RE: Greeks bearing gifts

    Laocoon,

    I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

    1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" garbage. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

    2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.

    3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

    4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all.

    Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.

    Bye now,
    Hector.

    * * *

    FROM: Daemon@listserv.doomgloom.edu
    TO: hector@studmuffin.com
    RE: Undeliverable mail

    The following message had permanent fatal errors. Please check the email address (or check to see that your intended recipient has not been swallowed up by a large sea serpent).

    <FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
    <TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
    <RE: Greeks bearing gifts


    HARVARD BEING SUED FOR DISCRIMINATING AGAINST 'F' STUDENTS

    BOSTON, MA - Harvard University is facing a lawsuit stemming from allegations that it discriminates against 'F' Students. Jeremy Slowboy, spokesman for the group 'Americans for Equal Rights for Under-Achievers', told BNN, "We find it troubling that Harvard has never admitted a student with a 0.0 GPA in its entire 363 year history. How can an institution of higher learning, like Harvard, be so backwards and outdated? 'F' students have just as much of a right to an Ivy-League education as any other student in America. We praise those people who helped bring this lawsuit against the university and hope that it will force Harvard and other universities to end their discrimination policies."

    Admissions Officials at Harvard claim that if they are forced to admit under-achievers, the University will lose its prestige and could go under. BNN's legal correspondent, Johnny Cockroach, sees things differently. Said Cockroach, "Discrimination is wrong no matter what it's based upon. It is time we faced up the fact that mental discrimination has no place in our society."


    Technology You See In The Movies
  • All monitors and hand-held devices display 2 inch high letters whenever you need to see what the operator is typing.
  • High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, have easy-to-understand graphical interfaces.
  • Those that don't will have incredibly powerful text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
  • Corollary: You can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
  • Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS." Viruses cause temperatures in computers, just like they do in humans. After a while, smoke billows out of disk drives and monitors, explosions may result.
  • People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data. However, the files are found fully intact upon returning.
  • Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.
  • Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.
  • No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.
  • The more high-tech the equipment, the more unlabeled buttons it has.
  • Laptops always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities (through their built-in satellite uplink) and the performance of a CRAY-T3E.
  • Computers NEVER crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans NEVER make mistakes while operating computers under stress.
  • Any photograph can have minute details digitally pulled out of it; you can zoom into any picture as far as you want to.

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