The Advanced User's Guide to the DEC Rainbow PC100 User's Guide
How idiot-proof can you get? :)
CONTENTS
Chapter 1. Introduction..................2
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Chapter 1. Introduction
In this chapter, you will read an introduction. It also provides some
practical experience in using a book. If you are unfamiliar with the
use of a book, refer to Appendix A, "Using a Book".
How To Use This Book
To use this book, you must begin by doing the following:
The Long Key
A while back I was given a list of keyboard shortcuts for Quark
XPress on the Mac. Page after page of keyboard shortcuts. Buried in
this list was the fact that to put a space between words one need only
press the space bar. Needless to say, this was a moment of epiphany
for me. Until then, I had been using the more common way of putting
spaces between words -- that is, putting a letter (usually "a," "i,"
or "w" between words, converting these letters to magenta, and then
printing color separations. This new technique not only saves me time,
but makes the spell checker work MUCH better, and saves a whole bunch
of paper.
For those of you who are new to the world of computers, the space bar
(technically known as "the long key") is the big key in the middle of
the row of keys closest to you when the letters on the keyboard are
right-side-up. Obviously, some of you who learned to type on portable
typewriters may prefer having the keyboard positioned so that the
letters are up-side-down, in which case, the long-key will be in the
row farthest away from you.
I checked with a friend at Apple to see if this technique would work
with other programs. They both sternly warned me that while this use
of the long-key might work with some computers in some configurations
and for some programs, it is an undocumented feature and might also
cause your computer to freeze up permanently or reformat your hard
disc. They advise me that the long-key was originally placed there to
fill up the space on the keyboard and that possible uses for it have
been the source of long and heated debate within the industry.
The Carrot Saga
Ok, I know that most of my humor is high-brow (rolling of eyes) but I got a laugh out of this one.
One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the
best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car
came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The
unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again
that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the
injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.
Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in
the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.
After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out. He
walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and
I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to be
alright. The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his
life".
Ahh, sermons
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor:
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river."
And the congregation cried "Amen!"
"If I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the
river."
And the congregation cried "Amen!"
"If I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried "Hallejulah!".
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood very tentatively and announced: "For our closing
song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
What to do with that old 486...
1. Successfully think it is a faster unit by slowing down YOUR
thought processes by 75%.
2. Post a sign on it that reads "Caution: SPEED TRAP AHEAD".
3. Use the 4x CD tray as a Mega-Cup holder.
4. Draw a bulls-eye on the side and toss powerful magnets at it.
5. Set that leaking paper cup of hot coffee on top of it.
6. Drill a hole in the face and install a battery clock that operates
at half speed.
7. Install a 56k modem in it and watch the whole works go up in
smoke.
8. Suggest to the boss he donate it to the archeology department of a
local university as a specimen.
9. Trade it in for one gross (144) of pre-formatted floppies.
10. A little changing around inside and hey, you have a desk side
microwave.
11. Resign yourself to slow loading, and sign up for AOL.
12. Lift that monitor up to eye level.
13. Use it as a footrest under the desk.
IF YOU'VE UPGRADED AND CAN'T STAND TO PART WITH IT
1. Use it as a decoy for burglars.
2. Bronze it.
3. Hollow it out and:
Mis-communication
A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he
decided to stop in the local park and catch some shuteye.
Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the
car, the man saw a jogger. "Excuse me, can you give me the time?"
"Yeah, it's 6:27."
The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another
knock on the window. Another jogger.
"I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?"
"Yeah. It's 6:34."
The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on
indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which read:
"I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME".
He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in
the seat.
Then... yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure
enough, another jogger.
He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it?"
The jogger replied, "It's 6:42."
Polar Bear Father/Son talk
One afternoon in the Artic, a father polar bear and his son polar
bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his
father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar
bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again
and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar
bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your
mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his
father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's
not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning
and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar
bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!"
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