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NYU College Applicant Essay
This is supposedly an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU. The author was accepted and is reportedly now attending NYU.
3A. ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR
ACCOMPLISHMENTS THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with
my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up
severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute brownies
in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the
Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances
free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire.

I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller
number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New
Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400.
My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan,
cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the
Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery,
and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.

A Special Day
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you
don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the
office.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she
was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates
arrived.

Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she
exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my
life!"

Season Pass :)
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students,
and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught
breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will
be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a
season pass?"

I love cats :)
Cat Taglines
9 out of 10 cats prefer Microsoft mice
A cat is a terrible thing to waste... Drive safely.
A cat is just a bundle of purr.
A cat still needs someone to be independent *of*.
A cat stretches from one end of my childhood to the other.
A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy.
Anything not yet on the ground will be.
Call my cat?! [hehehe] No, I just run the can opener ...
Can you imagine conning eight cats into pulling a sled?
Cat Bathing Is A Martial Art.
Climb your way to the top -- that's why the drapes are there
CAT: I hope that Schrodinger guy put litter in here...
Catalyst (n): an alphabetical listing of Italian cats
CATFOOD??!!?? You woke me up for a lousy can of CATFOOD??!!??
Catholic: A cat with a drinking problem.
Catholic: Can't stop bringing cats home.
A Book on Cats - by Ann Gora
I'm busier than a one eyed cat watching two mouse holes.
If I throw a cat out the car window, is it kitty litter?
If you butter a cat's back, what side would it land on?
If you want the best seat in the house, move the cat.
Innuendo: Where your cat sits to look outside at the birds.
Is yours a real cat, or does it come when you call it?
McDonald's Hamburger 29¢ ....Kal Can cat food 89¢ ...Hmmmm?
It is in his own interest that a cat purrs.
It's the cat's house. We just pay the mortgage.
Lawyer: A cat who settles disputes between mice.

Hunting Elephants
MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.
EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.
PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.
ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
DATABASE ADMINISTRATORS do not need to go out and capture elephants when they can retrieve them simply with an ad hoc query: ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.
SYSTEMS INTEGRATION ENGINEERS are not so concerned with hunting elephants as with creating a seamless interface between the elephants and their environment.
ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.
OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if some one else will only identify the elephants.
POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre-hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does see a non-pre-hunted elephant, (in other words, a live one) the staff will: SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.
QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.
SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.
GRADUATE STUDENTS don't hunt elephants, but they sure enjoy driving around in jeeps.

Tips from Martha Stewart

  • Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
  • Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
  • Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
  • No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
  • Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
  • If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

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